“It is such a shame that Bess isn’t playing volleyball in college.” Well-meaning people have voiced these exact words to me at least a dozen times over the last few years. The fact that she had the opportunity to play college ball and chose not to is a mystery to them. My son is a junior in High school this year and is in the thick of college recruiting. I don’t think he should play college ball. The decision will be his as the volleyball decision was for our daughter, but as their mom, I have learned a lot and I have advice to give.
I have made some outrageous and harmful mistakes as the parent of athletes. I got so completely sucked into the “sports comes first” mentality. As a family, we put sports above family meals and vacations. Our kids didn’t get to seize many summer opportunities including jobs and mission trips. I let their responsibilities at home slide. After a long day at school, my first question would be, “how was practice?’ If they weren’t feeling well, I was concerned about how it would affect the way they played and not what was ailing them. We missed countless Sundays in church. Instead of participating in worship, our heads were filled with the mind-numbing barrage of whistle blowing. Instead of a Sabbath day of rest, we drove ourselves mad racing from court to court while worshiping our children.
As Christians, we justified it. We believed that God had chosen to give our children very special talents which could only be showcased on Sundays. We drank the Kool-Aid. We live in a culture that glorifies sports.We fantasized about their chance to contribute to the American story.We preached about how sports teaches team work, discipline and leadership while ignoring that sports also can breed vanity, lack of balance and idolatry. Our children found their identity in sports. We were vigilant about checking the tiny box scores in the very back part of the sports section in our local paper. When they lost, we grieved. When they won, we had celebratory meals. We lost lots of sleep over winning and losing.
We were sports zombies. We stumbled around without conviction and lost sight of life and real joy. We set the standard for our children. They followed our example and wanted to please us. Because I was so sure that their athletic abilities were gifts, I also believed they had a responsibility to nurture those gifts, but worst of all, I didn’t listen to my kids. I told people without hesitation that they loved their sport, but I never asked the kids if that was the truth. My children saw how much their dad and I loved celebrating their talents and successes. My children loved the celebration and they loved pleasing us, but because we started this all-consuming journey at such a young age, I don’t think they ever had a chance to discover what else they might love. We picked their sports when they were so young.We adore our kids and we believed that we were helping them be their best. We got high over their young success and recognition and we fostered it without pause.
I am so thankful that there is still time to heal the wounds I have caused and to guide my younger daughters in a more balanced way. I know this for sure:
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 (NIV)
It is certainly true that their athletic skills could be considered good and perfect gifts from above, but the book of Proverbs warns us about too much of even good gifts:
“It’s not good to eat too much honey, and it’s not good to seek honors for yourself.” Proverbs 25:27 (NIV)
Kids, sports, and their love of sports change like shifting shadows. God does not.The older I get, the more I realize how fleeting life is. Our time here is a blip. God is eternal and He has called us to invest in eternal things. It is our choice whether or not we invest in fleeting earthly efforts or eternal kingdom efforts. One of the most beautiful and generous gifts He has given us is a day of rest. He created us for worship. We are going to be creatures that worship; it is in our DNA. I have been guilty of worshiping my kids instead of the one who created them.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving sports or music or technology or any of the other recreational pastimes we have at our disposal. I am suggesting that for many of us, that enjoyment has lots its balance and as a consequence, our lack of balance has confused our calling and stolen our joy. It is futile to live in regret about how as parents we established a home that worshiped our kids and sports, but without regret, I wonder what our kids would value today if, when they were little, Pat and I were as enthusiastic about Sunday worship and Spiritual growth and perfect love, joy and peace as we were about volleyball. I am so prayerful that God will reclaim those hollow, hungry years in the desert for future blessings and glory.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)
I don’t know if our son will choose to play college ball. He knows that I don’t want him to. I know that God knows the answer. God has known it all along. My job is not to manipulate my son with my perspective or passions. My job…my calling is to teach Him the truth about who he is and why he is valuable. He is precious because God says so. He has been given the gift of eternal life and forgiveness for his sins. His calling is to worship the Lord and enjoy Him forever. His greatest shout out will never be from Jarvis Greer at 10:25 on a Friday night; it will be when Jesus stands before the throne and proclaims to God and the angels and all the witnesses that this kid belongs to HIM.
If I am being totally honest, this article was written from a place of defensiveness. To hear multiple people say that something your child chose to do or not do was “such a shame” leaves a sting. I felt judged as her parent. When I smile and say that not playing volleyball in college was the best decision for Bess, I am not being brave and plastering on a fake smile. She is doing great. She has applied her competitive spirit to her academics. She spent the entire summer at camp… touching 100’s of lives with her love for Jesus. She has new time and opportunities and freedom to find out what else she loves. I sincerely hope that reading this and witnessing my heart change leaves you encouraged. The last thing I want any of you feel is shame. You and I are part of the body of Christ. We are family. We have eternity together where we will celebrate forever the one who is so deserving of all our cheers and worship.
We are all going to make mistakes as parents. God is the only one who has ever been a perfect parent and His mercies are new every morning. I am so thankful that He keeps teaching me and that He calls me precious. He delights in taking care of all of our precious children and us, and He alone is worthy of our worship.
This post was really beautiful and at the same time hard to read. Remembering how we have allowed ourselves to be misguided by today’s sports culture was painful.
This morning in my quiet time I ready Psalm 90. I thought it was particularly poignant upon reading your post today.
[9] For all our days pass away under your wrath;
we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
[10] The years of our life are seventy,
or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span is but toil and trouble;
they are soon gone, and we fly away.
[11] Who considers the power of your anger,
and your wrath according to the fear of you?
[12] So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
(Psalm 90:9-12 ESV)
My prayer is that God will teach us to number our days as parents and as followers of Christ. That this heart of wisdom will be pervasive in all that we do.
Thank you so much! I adore you.
P
Catherine…You are so gifted with your thoughts and words. I think EVERY school should send this out to their parents – from PreK through High School. Even if they don’t share the same religious beliefs, or don’t want to deal with the school vs. religion controversies, this heartfelt voice from a mom who has been there and is honest enough to share her true reflections is a valuable piece of advise to any parent of an athlete. I know your words will help so many. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Missy, Thank you. It is a painful lesson. I would love for other parents and children to be spared learning it. XO c
Catherine, thank you for your post. I struggle with this greatly. Our son (age 9) is taking a break from basketball this year. It was his choice and the best thing for him and us. But, I find myself thinking, should I sign him up other sports. I pray I will not push him to glorify myself or fulfill a need of mine.
Cynthia, I would love to pray for your family. There is so much joy to be claimed in a balanced and worship-centered family life. Blessings!
Beautifully expressed. We were in the same situation with competitive cheer. When my oldest daughter quit after freshman year in high school, I realized all of the family time around the table we’d been missing in those years. Instead of running to various practices, we made dinner around the table a priority and a routine. So many blessings, laughs, and smiles came out of that time around the table.
Kudos to you all for going against the grain.
Beth, Thank you. We are all learning. It is such a blessing to have the perspective of what should be highest on our priority list. Keep up the celebration! c
It is interesting that I would come across this this morning. So well written! We have a son who plays football in college and another one who is going through the recruiting process right now. My husband played football at a division III school and I played sports through high school.(My mom didn’t think it was appropriate for ladies to play sports so I gave them up after high school.) We are a sports family and we love them. We couldn’t wait for our boys to play football. One started when he was 7 and the other one when he was 5. They were both standouts at their positions from the very beginning and we loved it! One year my husband was an assistant coach for both boy’s team. We were at the field 5 nights a week from 6 to 8 and at 2 games on Saturday. We were obsessed and don’t get me wrong, we loved it. Both of my boys started on the Varsity football team as freshman. We were thrilled. My oldest son is now playing at a Division I AA school. He did not achieve his life long dream of playing SEC ball and now seeing the reality of playing football in college, it’s almost heart breaking to see the time and effort that is required of these boys. Football literally consumes his life. Is it worth it? I don’t know. He has literally given up so much of his life for football….a sport! I just said to my husband less than a week ago…..did we make a huge mistake with our boys? Do you realize everything they gave up for this sport? When my husband was playing football in high school, he was an Eagle Scout, in the band, and at the lake in the summer with his friends. There was time to do it all. There was balance! There is no balance in the world of a committed athlete today at any age. I caution young parents to rethink the obsession. i think I will get my answer when my boys have children. My guess is their children will be spending a lot of time down at the creek!
Jane, Please remember that God can use all things together for good. Football is part of your story and that was ordained by God. He loves you. Your testimony is very similar to mine, with the substitution of basketball and volleyball for football. My husband also played D3 basketball. It has taken us years of frustration and running ragged to come to this new perspective. The root of our problem was not firmly discussing what our family priorities should be. We let culture dictate it for us and we fell into the sports-obsessed culture without taking any time to see what we were sacrificing. We love basketball and volleyball, but we believe that God gave us sweeter gifts than the accolades and successes of our children’s athletic abilities. I don’t know if my younger 3 children will choose to play sports in college, but I know that for the time we have left, my husband and I will be vigilant to lead our home with the priorities of love, laughter,quality time, and Sunday rest. Thank you for contributing to the story. I pray your family will rejoice and have beautiful peace.
What a great article! Like so many parents we also have struggled with these same issues! We have three children and they all played sports all of their lives, many times more than one at a time along with piano. My problem has always been with the leaders of of these sports teams. I could never understand why as a part of a Catholic grade school and high school that the schools did not or could not dictate when the games were played. I felt like if we made a stance to not play sports on Sunday or on Holidays things would change but no one ever wanted to make that stance! I feel sports, or music or arts are an important part of developing young children into well rounded adults and all kids benefit from being a part of something but I feel it has gotten way out of control and coaches are more concerned about having the best athletes, the best team that they make each sport a year round commitment, therefore kids must pick one sport and they start them so young that if you don’t start then you don’t stand much of a chance of getting to play anything. I think that is a shame! I did not play a sport until I was a freshman in high school, that would be almost unheard of now! I also feel the wear and tear to kids bodies from playing sports so hard and so young is detrimental to their physical well being later in life (like in their late 30’s and 40’s). I feel extra curricular activities are beneficial to kids but I just think we have definitely lost the balance! I wish collectively we could stand up and change that.
Thank you for posting your article!
Jennifer, You have such a clear perspective on how our culture dictates what we should value. It is so easy to get sucked into following the crowd. It is draining and for our family, the drain of not setting aside sundays for worship and rest established a very shaky foundation to build our family on. Learning this was not just painful for the parents, but it hurt our children too. I am thankful that you can learn from our mistakes. The future is bright! c
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