My mother in law died this year. We did not have a good relationship. I met her when I was 20 and I did not measure up to the woman she would have chosen for her son. I was hurt by her rejection and I built up walls. During the 23 years I knew her, she continued to find ways to reject me and consequently, my children. I built up stronger and stronger walls. When she died, she did not have a relationship with any of my children and I had not spoken to her in 3 years.
This past Sunday, our church observed “All Saints Day”. I sat next to my husband and felt him painfully sigh as we remembered all the saints who had lived among us and loved Jesus and who had now left this world for their heavenly home. My husband, Pat grieves the loss of his mom and is so thankful for the woman she was. Everyone who knew her would quickly say that she was a Christian. Her faith was the most important part of her life.
I hope that people are just as quick to describe me as a Christian; I love Jesus. He has transformed my life. My future and hope are rooted in my faith alone. Why then is it equally and painfully true that my mother in law and I didn’t love each other? What is going on when any 2 Christians know what is right, know what to do and even act in obedience but the heart doesn’t follow? In the beginning, I insisted on spending holidays with my in-laws. I was the one who sent the mother’s day and birthday gifts. I made the effort and my efforts were rejected. Toward the end, there were not even phone calls on Christmas or cards on birthdays. It isn’t fair to her or any of you that she cannot tell her side of the story, but if she could tell her version of our fractious relationship, her words would be equally as valid as mine. Whether you met me at 20, 30, or 40, there are 1,000’s of good reasons not to like me.
In the end, this is a sad story about 2 women who loved Jesus but failed at loving the way Jesus loves.
Have you ever been rejected? Have you ever thought, “How can that person be a Christian and act that way?” or “How can she say she loves Jesus and not love me?”.
Relationships are messy. People hurt people. Christians hurt Christians and often wounds fester for decades.
The opportunity for restoration in this relationship has expired, but the opportunity to love like Jesus loves is new every day. In the next few months, many of us will be thrust into reunions and family gatherings that are awkward and even painful. The sting of rejection is a wound many of you deal with in your own families. Being rejected by family is acutely painful. The rejection I know is not isolated to a relationship with my mother in law. The reason rejection hurts so much is because it proclaims that we are not worthy of love; our best isn’t good enough and we are not worth the trouble.
I believe healing has to begin with forgiveness. By definition, love is bigger than forgiveness. It is total BS to say, “I love you, but I cannot forgive you.”…. And forgiving is so hard. Forgiving is especially hard when the other party has zero desire for reconciliation, but it doesn’t change our charge to forgive.
I have been studying a book on How Jesus loves and last week, we covered the topic that love isn’t irritable. The command to love those who persecute you and to forgive those who hate you and to be patient and kind to those who irritate you is way beyond my capabilities. The more I study the Bible and learn what it means to be like Jesus…. To be a “good” Christian… to love unconditionally…. The more I realize what a total failure I am.
The beautiful truth is that God knew this about me long before I figured it out. His law has been great at showing us how very incapable we are, but God showed His perfect love by sending His perfect son to die for me. Jesus didn’t die for me because I was such a great daughter in law. I could never earn His love or be worthy of the sacrifice He paid for me. He loves me in spite of all the ways I have screwed up my life and relationships. He chose to love me and it is that choosing that serves as a beautiful example for how we are to engage in our own difficult relationships.
You are not perfect. Your parents and siblings and children and In-laws are not perfect. Family members are supposed to love and forgive, but sometimes they don’t. We believe that we should feel appreciated and accepted and loved by our families, but love is not rooted in feelings. Love is rooted in action, and because love is bigger than forgiveness, we must first take the active step to forgive. I don’t know how this will manifest for you, but I think the way it must begin is on a very personal level. We must choose to forgive. It has to begin in our own heart. The words, “I forgive you” may never need to escape your lips, but when we forgive, we are changed, and it is because we are forgiven that we are changed. Forgiveness tears down the walls of rejection and frees us up to love. Like Jesus, we must choose it. It takes strength, and humility and endurance. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but it feels great. Love feels even better. Love and forgiveness are active choices and as we learn to live them out, we learn to love like Jesus loves. Jesus is the only one who loves perfectly, and even if we love Him, we won’t love perfectly like He loves until we leave this imperfect world and live in perfect peace with Him.
You can be a Christian and be involved in unloving relationships. The only thing that saves us is our love for Jesus and our faith in Him, but if we love Him, we will listen to Him. When we hear His voice, we will want to follow it and be like Him. We can have amazing “love victories” through Him.
This very minute, I know that my mother in law is rejoicing in heaven. She loved Jesus and now, she loves me. She is one among a crowd of great witnesses that is cheering me on as I persevere to finish this race and learn to love like Jesus loves. The next reunion we have will certainly be beautiful. It is my prayer that you will get to experience joy and love in your relationships and reunions this holiday season. Please be purposeful in your choice to forgive and love. XO c
“But you are a God of forgiveness, gracious and merciful, slow to become angry, and rich in unfailing love.” Neh 9:17 abbr (NLT)
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (NLT)
The walls are something, aren’t they? I needed this today. I need to remember this for the coming holiday season. The walls create safety from an unloving relationship, but in essence, keep the relationship(s) from ever becoming a loving one. Thank you for your insight and for the reminder that on occasion, it helps to let our guard down.
Shelley, thank you for the encouragement and for your wisdom. You are right…. those protective walls are a facade. We all need to remember that as we interact with family this holiday season. XO c
Thank you for this post. I am going (and have been for years) a similar situation.
Cynthia, I am so sorry you know this acute pain. I know there are so very many who do. I hope you were encouraged. I would love to pray for you about this. xo c
Love this so, Catherine! Really perfectly meets my heart right now – thanks for the blessing and love YOU : )
Love You, Anne Donnelly…. miss you too
Catherine, this rings so true for me. It brought to mind an excerpt from a book I enjoyed reading a while back – Tim Keller’s The Reason for God.
“God’s grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver…. From the earliest parts of the Bible, it was understood that God could not forgive without sacrifice. No one who is seriously wronged can “just forgive” the perpetrator…. But when you forgive, that means you absorb the loss and the debt. You bear it yourself. All forgiveness, then, is costly.”
He talks about every act of forgiveness being like a small death, because it is such a painful thing to absorb that debt – and you likely have to forgive over and over. Nothing free or easy about forgiving. Sometimes I am so drained by mustering forgiveness that love seems beyond my capacity. I am much too weak to be that good – yet in my weakness He is strong – and so it goes.
Melanie, that is beautiful and so true. Forgiveness hurts. How precious it is to know and be loved by such a great healer. It is so important to remember how much He has forgiven me for. Thank you for your wisdom ( and for TK’s wisdom :))