I have relentlessly been praying for something for years. It has seemed to me that it must be God’s will to answer “Yes” to my prayer, but nothing has happened. Well, that isn’t exactly true. Plenty has happened, and all of it has been negative. The predicament I have been praying about…relentlessly… for years has gotten progressively worse. In the beginning, I was so hopeful and confident that God would do something amazing. I knew that it might take time, but I truly believed that my will and God’s will had to be the same in regards to my situation. I embraced the battle cry of Jacob when he wrestled with the angel and I incorporated his cry into my prayer, “I will not let go until You bless me.” (Genesis 32:26) In my estimation, there was only one right way for God to answer; He had to answer “Yes”. This relentless wrestling with God…that has gone on for years… has become an obsession. I have spent hours on my knees about it. This prayer has led me to question my walk with Christ and the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. My moods have sometimes been dark and twisty as I have let my thoughts and insecurities mushroom. I never doubted that God hears me or loves me, but I have done a pretty brutal job of beating up on myself because I haven’t gotten the answer I wanted. I have convinced myself that I have done something wrong. As hope has faded to an opaque frontier, I have been pretty confused.
This week as I was wrestling with all of it again, I debated on whether or not God has said “No”. I would feel like such a failure if I actually let go. I believe that the Holy Spirit, who guides all of our prayer lives, was the one who encouraged me to pray, “I will not let go until you bless me”. How could I let go if God has said “No”? Could it be that God is just telling me to be patient and wait on Him? Could it be that I have been praying the wrong prayer? Am I just relentlessly stubborn, or stupid?
Have you ever wrestled with God about your prayers and His will? It seems so right that God would want to heal our broken bodies, or restore broken relationships or marriages. Wouldn’t it glorify Him more if the prayerful childless mom got pregnant, or if the unruly child got in line? Doesn’t He want the perfect bride to meet the perfect groom and start a beautiful Christian family? Why would God give me these desires or gifts and not give me the chance to use them? Have any of you felt this way? Have you prayed a prayer like one of these?
God does hear our prayers. He is El Roi, the God who sees us. He never fails. He is El Elyon, the sovereign God. He is all-powerful. He knows everything. He always loves us. He is faithful even when we are faithless, because that is His nature. In the case of my petition, He is the God who blesses me.
In My small human and blonde brain, I was tunnel-visioned in my thinking. I believed that I had to hang on until God said “Yes”, but the prayer I prayed relentlessly for years was “I will not let go until you bless me!” I forgot to remember that God can bless us so much by saying “No”. My journey isn’t over, and maybe someday, God will say, “Yes”, but I have found a delightful peace and freedom in His answer of “No”. I this bout of wrestling with God, He has given me a hunger for His word and He has filled me. I have rejoiced in the comfort of His strong embrace and been sweetly humbled by His love. I have celebrated victories and been able to count so many blessings, and now it seems that it is time to finally “Let Go”. I vowed that I wouldn’t until He blessed me and now I see so clearly that He has certainly blessed me. There can be great blessings when God says “No”. Who knows where He will lead me next, but wherever that new frontier is, He is the one I want to follow and glorify. He is so good when He says “Yes” and He is so good when He says “No”. Praise Be to God.
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Romans 8:26 (NIV)
“Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks.”
But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!” Genesis 32: 25-26 (NKJV)
“If we are faithless,
He remains faithful;
He cannot deny Himself.” 2 Timothy 2:13 (NKJV)