Dearest friends, athletes and parents of athletes,
I am confused. Do not expect this post to be tidy or insightful. I am writing, because I need to hear your thoughts and learn from you. I haven’t figured out how to parent athletes, but I have figured out some things I have done wrong. One of the great joys in having a platform and of living in the age of social media is the ability to engage in conversation. I enjoy “doing life” with you, and today, I am asking for your thoughts.
By some standards, my teenagers are good athletes. They have made elite teams, been captains, MVP’s and BOP’s. They can flip and dunk and spike, but it does not make them happy. We live in a world that is obsessed with sports and athleticism. I watched NBC nightly news last night and 10 minutes of the 30-minute program dealt with the scandal in the NFL. One Third!!!! My children have been sucked into this sport-centered vacuum. They spend their afternoons and summers practicing drill after drill and missing out on mission trips, pool days and family vacations. We spend lots of money and time investing in their talents, and I spend a huge amount of time wiping their tears and giving them the sulking space they need after a bad game or practice. The frustrations and disappointments in sports tend to outweigh the celebrations and achievements. They often feel like they have failed at everything if they have failed in the gym.
I carry a lot of the responsibility for this lack of balance in my home. It is an unstated top priority that Sports come first. We rarely have family dinners. I have skipped ministry opportunities in order to keep my nights open for my game attendance. We have skipped worship because of volleyball and basketball. Whether I say it out loud or not, my children see by my actions that sports are of the highest importance. I have been so misguided that I have used scripture to motivate them when they lack passion for their sport. I have used the parable of the talents and compared them to “5-talent workers” who have been given the privilege and responsibility to double their talents for the master’s pleasure and glory. I have screwed up a lot.
We have all heard about the benefits of team sports and the value of learning to lose and how to be a good winner. We tout how sports teach leadership and discipline and team work, but we overlook the ego it feeds or the confusion of identity it fosters. My kids are on top of the world when they have a big night on the court, but it is so fleeting. The ache of losing and sting of reprimand last much longer.
As grown ups, we celebrate and post about our kids’ achievements and we put on a brave face in defeat, but rarely do we applaud the losses and life lessons learned on the bench.
My heart broke when I received that text last night, but not because my daughter may have lost her spot. My heart broke because she thanked me and was worried about my disappointment. I am crying now as I share it with you. I don’t think my kids question my love for Jesus, or their dad or for them, but I am broken that they doubt my pride in them when they fail.
I fail all the time, and so often I come to the cross with doubt. How could God continue to show me grace and love helping me up when I fall? Scripture assures me that God will not run out of love for me. He is steadfast and faithful when I am faithless. He is proud of me because I belong to Him. My achievements are not what have warranted my favor with God. I am so thankful for this painful lesson from my kids; in their developing young minds, they think I love them less when they fail…. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I love them. I claim them on the court and on the bench. I am proud of them because they are mine.
If you have dealt with this in your family, please share with me what you have learned. If you haven’t, celebrate. I have so much to learn and need your prayers. Thank you for doing life with me. XO c
“The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7b (NLT)
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14 (NIV)
Often times I find that I am self centered in my expectations for my children. Not God centered. I find chaos when I push push push them into a direction that “I” think is best. When I step back and pray and lean on Him, God always finds the answer for whatever my be troubling us. He intervenes with the best solution ALWAYS. I don’t have athletes, but can’t we expand the conversation to kids who struggle with academics, friend problems, or just daily life? It’s a faith issue I guess. We think our way is the best way because “We are the parents!” But let’s be honest who is the REAL PARENT? God is the one true Father…that’s all we have to know. Things are so much happier in my house when I let Him take the wheel…… and a lot less messy! Thank you Catherine for this post. It really hits home that I need to pay attention and maybe I need to reign in my great expectations!
Thank you, Robyn. Those are wise words. All of us have the opportunity to use our gifts for God’s glory. In the Nelson house, things get messy and unbalanced when we focus on self-glory. (love you) C
Great article. Todd Erickson coached girls soccer for Ellie and Hallie when they were tiny. He has great insight into the sports vs. life dilemma, especially dealing with girls and sports. He told me he has read numerous books about coaching/sports, and balancing life. Give him a shout.
Thank you Whit. Todd and Lynn are great friends and a great resource. I think that this is a lesson in life that Pat and I will have to keep learning from. Thank you for your advice and support. C
Thanks for sharing, Catherine. That whole issue lies before us. We are not there yet. We probably won’t ever be there with sports – not sure us Witheringtons are such athletes;) But I’m sure it will be something else. Satan is always working to distract us from worship and to get us to make something other than Jesus our “all”. I think we will live in a constant tension. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need Jesus. Like you, I am one of 5 kids and we were all athletes. I’m sure my parents made decisions they regret. But God is bigger than our parenting skills and makes up for where we’ve gone wrong! Also, I think you’re probably pretty hard on yourself. You’re doing great and your kiddos are precious. At least the one I know the best is! And she is loving Jesus in college, which is a very hard place to remain in love with Him.
Thank you, Molly. You are awesome. Thank you for the encouragement. It is a blessing to watch you parent those 3 precious little ones.
I have three boys. The first son was involved in all sports from an early age and finally settled on baseball at all costs…at the cost of fun, family dinners, church youth group, bible studies, even our third baby’s naptime, bath time…you get the picture. We had poured so much money into batting coaches and speed trainers! When he entered into 9th grade, he tried out for the high school baseball team. They chose 12 players, and he was number 13 on the list. He was devastated. But thankfully we had prayed the night before that God would handle the tryouts; that God would make everything OK. The next day, when he looked at the roster of the teammates he realized that the boys that had made the team were not his friends. He was somewhat relieved. He declared that he wanted to take up guitar lessons, so we immediately signed him up and purchased a guitar. That child poured his heart and soul into music from that day forward. He then declared that he wanted to take up trap shooting, and he went on to win the State Olympic games summer trap and skeet tournament each year for 5 years straight. This son is now 21, is an accomplished musician, loves the outdoors and is perfectly happy and adjusted in his college life.
Our second son, began in baseball and never really excelled, but he loved the game. But because of our first son’s experience with sports, we throttled back our extreme participation a bit. He could not hit a ball to save his life. At the same time, he was excelling at golf, and the baseball coach finally told us to quit the game and stick with golf. We then immersed ourselves in golf lessons and tournaments. This second son also suffered from sever asthma and had to have special permission to ride in a golf cart while playing in tournaments. He eventually quit the tournaments because it was just too stressful. The abrupt abundance of spare time was then filled with bible studies, casual golf with friends, church retreats. This son is now 18 and is a very devout Christian and is perfectly happy with his life as a freshman in college.
Our third son tried baseball and basketball but never really bought in to all the competition nonsense at an early age. We took a total non-committed approach to sports this go ’round since it had never been fruitful in the past. He then stated that he wanted to try lacrosse. So we signed him up and two years later, he is now on an elite travel team. It is an intense sport with lots of time involved. But…the difference this time around is that this his coaches are a very faithful group of men. They pray before every game. They teach the boys to honor God on and off the field. It has been amazing to watch how hard these boys work for these unbelievable role models in their lives. Just last night I emailed a coach to say that my son would miss this weekend’s game due to a church retreat and that I hope he didn’t mind. His response was “What’s he’s doing to serve the Kingdom is WAY more important than lacrosse.” It is such a blessing from the Lord to have men of faith leading our boys on and off the field. That is what we need more of in sports – faithful role models.
I do not know the ages of your children. But looking back over the past nineteen years of our sports mania, I have learned that hindsight is so sweet. Sometimes it takes time – even years – to see the Will of the Lord and how it plays out in our children’s lives. And the best Grace of all, is when your children, as adults, can look back and realize that God had a plan and it all worked out according to HIS plan, and not ours. Our job as parents is to get them to that point in their lives – to trust in the Lord and wait on his Grace to reveal His plan.
Tina, Thank you. My kids are all teenagers and it is a blessing to learn from people like you who are a few steps further down the road. You have some great wisdom to share and it really encouraged me to receive it. I am consistently blessed to remember that God’s will is being done. He loves us; He can do anything and all His ways are good. Reminding myself of these truths fill me with joy as we navigate the teen years. Thank you for your encouragement. c