catherine - 7/16 - Catherine Nelson

On a recent flight, while sitting on a bulkhead row, next to my exceedingly tall husband, we watched another very large man cause a ruckus as he spotted his seat assignment. This big angry man also was assigned a bulkhead seat and to his dismay and ours, the bulkhead seats on this plane were considerably smaller and more cramped. He made it very clear to the flight attendant and everyone else within earshot that he would not sit in his assigned seat. He insisted that there was no way he could be comfortable sitting there and that he was entitled to more space than seat 7b offered. It really was pretty cramped and I felt sorry him and for Pat. Anyone who has traveled much recently appreciates how frustrating and uncomfortable flying can be. We are so accustomed to being comfortable that being forced into small spaces with strangers is a shock to our privileged lifestyle…. Merica :/

When I was a young mom with young kids, I remember being really convicted by a Sunday school lesson on “entitlement”. I knew I was susceptible to being a parent who could harm her kids by overindulging them. I became purposeful about saying “No” to their every whim and adding balance to their lives with responsibilities. I am offended by entitlement and therefore, I was really humbled this week when I discovered that I have been behaving like an entitled child. I put entitlement into a safe little box defined by the craving of possessions and pretty things. It was tangible things that I was withholding from my kids to spare them from being entitled, and so it made sense that it was the lack of need for the tangible that freed me from being an entitled person.

I have been shortsighted in my understanding. Like so many people, I make every effort to be comfortable. Like my large and angry travel companion, I find it unacceptable when my comfort is compromised. I get confused, hurt and angry when someone doesn’t like me or hurts my feelings. I have acted like it is an injustice when I am maligned or wounded. My countenance sours when my schedule gets interrupted.  Where on earth did this egotistical belief come from? How special do I think I am? The truth is, there are plenty of reasons not to like me and no reason that I should be shocked by rejection or interruption. We live in a sinful world; it is full of discomfort, rejection, obstacles and pain. It isn’t shocking, but it shocks our system, because it isn’t home. The discomfort we experience here reflects our longing for life with Christ where there will be no more sorrow, pain or rejection or interruption.

We are living entitled lives. The Declaration of Independence reminds that we are entitled to pursue life, liberty and happiness, and so we engage in a full court press as we do all we can to have the fullest life and the freedom to say and do all we want. We feel insulted when someone jeopardizes our happiness and we make a big stink about it.

We are entitled to pursue these inalienable rights, but when we stop making the pursuit of comfort and happiness our primary focus, we will find true peace and joy. Real joy comes when we put others needs ahead of our own. The most beautiful view looks out instead of in. The truth is, we are all strangers and aliens here and we will never be truly comfortable, free or happy until we see Jesus. Our worthiest pursuit is to follow Him.

“I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10b (NKJV)

 “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” Philippians 2:3 (NKJV)

 

This morning, the youngest Nelson turned in her last science fair project. As I dropped the child, props and tri-fold poster board off, there were no mixed emotions. I was thrilled and relieved. I have spent 100’s of dollars and hours over my career as a mom in the time-sucking, stress-inducing, calorie-burning, gas-guzzling, Target-supporting, day of rest-robbing, Sharpie-staining world of the Science Fair project. Those days are over… Hallelujah!

As is my nature to do, I spent some time reflecting over all the science fair projects we have tackled over the last couple decades. I am always struck by how different my children are from each other, but as dissimilar as they are, their attitudes and effort toward science fair projects are remarkably similar. When the project is assigned, they feel no sense of urgency or excitement. They know they will have to do it, but they wait until the last minute to take on the challenge. None of them have been inspired to turn in the best project; they are not motivated to win. Inevitably, they each wait until the weekend before it is due, and they methodically check each point off of the rubric in hopes of doing good enough to get a “B”. As they near completion of the project, their spirits rally; they find pride in their work and their hope begins to swell. They invite their dad to come inspect the work, because they know he will be proud and praise them. They needed my help every step of the way. They could not gather or afford supplies on their own. They needed guidance in their lack of ability to see the big picture. They would have loved it if I had just done the entire project for them (and truthfully, I would have done a much better job), but as I stood in the wings, with my hands in my pockets, their confidence grew. I supplied the tools, overview and encouragement and then I backed off; I always remained close by if they had questions or needed advice, and I was there to praise them when they finished.

This morning, my daughter’s pride and pleasure in her project will fade. She will compare her project to the other ones that are bigger, neater and more beautiful. Her project will be judged by many and marked up by one or two. She may lose sight of the joy she found in learning something new and the contentment she enjoyed last night will be forgotten.

I realized this morning that I tackle so much of life like an 8^th grade science project. Our Heavenly Father is such a great teacher. He has prepared and established good works for me. He has given me all the tools, instructions and encouragement I need, but I drag my feet. I see the pile of laundry and shopping list and give it a higher priority than serving my neighbor. I turn on the “Today Show” instead of spending the time praying for missionaries. I get so intimidated about the bigger, kingdom projects, and when I do obey, I am tempted to think that I have done something really great. I swell with pride, because my “stuff” looks good. I forget that God doesn’t need me to help establish His kingdom. He can do a much better job without me. He is showing me His incredible love by including me in the “project”. I get to learn and receive the joy of His pleasure through obedience. The creator of mountains and oceans and volcanoes praises me for my little baking soda and vinegar volcano effort. He reminds me that His pleasure is in my obedience and not in how my stuff compares to others. My joy is complete in Him, and not in how beautifully my project stacks up to others. I also need to remember that my value is not diminished when other people’s projects are bigger, neater and more beautiful. My assignment is to do the very best with what He has prepared for me. He is always with me. He has provided me with all the tools I need, and He is patiently allowing me to learn while He listens, answers and encourages. When my sight is limited, I can trust Him, because He sees the bigger picture. Oh How I love Him.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

“The master was full of praise. ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!’

Matthew 25:21 (NLT)

 

A few weeks ago, I attended an incredibly beautiful wedding. There were not any bridesmaids or groomsmen. Most in attendance wore jeans and casual clothes. The bride wore a second-hand dress and the groom wore his best khaki suit. Loving church members made the food and the cake was from Wal-Mart. At the reception, someone connected an I-pod to a speaker, and we all “Did the Dougie”.

The wedding was held at the Neighborhood Christian Center in downtown Memphis. The bride and groom were from Orange Mound (One of the poorest zip codes in our country). I have spent a lot of time this year in Orange Mound making friends and doing life with the bride (Mary) and her neighbors. It was an honor to attend her beautiful marriage ceremony.

I love being invited to weddings. I have been to some really beautiful ones, but the beauty on display at Mary’s wedding will stay with me. When Mary entered the room, her groom, Sylvester, started weeping. As he leaned on his cane, his arm shook and knees trembled. He used the sleeve of his free hand to wipe the droves of tears that cascaded down his cheeks. Mary took timid steps as she navigated the 20 feet to the altar in high heel shoes that she wasn’t used to wearing.

There was no one to escort Mary down the aisle or give her away, and when she reached the front, the minister kept Sylvester and Mary apart as he gave his homily. I watched them long to hold, support and fortify each other. When they were invited to hold hands and exchange vows, I prayed earnestly for Mary to be able to make it through her vows. Mary has a severe stutter. It takes her close to 20 seconds to gather her breath, calm her heart and utter the first syllable in any attempt to speak. As she made promises to love and support Sylvester, the minister kept patting her on the back and encouraging her to take her time. Witnessing her effort could have been painful to some, but that day, every person in the room was united in their prayers and love for Mary.

Sylvester and Mary exchanged rings and were pronounced “man and wife” and then the minister remembered that the couple had wanted to light a unity candle. As he backtracked and led them back up the stairs, we all remained standing while they each took their individual candles and lit the unity candle. In order to complete the lighting, the bride and groom each need to extinguish their original candles. Sylvester blew his out, but Mary couldn’t. Because of her stutter and nerves, she could not even make the flame of her candle waver. Her arm shook as she kept trying to no avail, and then her groom took her candle, blew it out, put both candles down and embraced his bride.

I wept. The tenderness of that moment was beautiful. In the first minute of their marriage, the groom was already protecting and cherishing his bride. He was her strength, and even her breath, when she didn’t have any. She received his strength and met it with respect and love. Although poor, they are truly rich. Mary stutters and Sylvester cannot walk without a cane, but together they walk and speak with joy.

Basking in these beautiful memories, I am reminded of how important perspective is. We love to celebrate our independence and self-sufficiency, and in doing so, we minimize the value of need. People need people and they love to be needed. The most beautiful moment in Mary’s wedding was when her need was at its greatest. We miss the most beautiful things when our focus is narrow. The truly beautiful is found in peculiar places. We need to celebrate our weaknesses because they allow God’s strength to shine. We need to praise our kids for their tender hearts and their perseverance through the muck of growing up. Their days of frustration are just as valuable as their days of public accolade. When we are asked if we need help or prayers, we should be specific. Be authentic instead of glossy. You can be a blessing to others when you do the messy work of doing life together.

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

 

“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” Ecc 3:11 (NLT)

Everyone is talking about, blogging about and going to see Fifty Shades of Grey. Christian bloggers are verbose and pervasive in their Fifty Shades bashing. My favorite 4-screen, small, artistic movie theater has gone mainstream and is showing the film on 2 screens. Millions have read it and millions more will watch it. To tell the truth, I dabbled in it. When the book came out in paperback, I bought it while on a vacation. About 6 chapters in, my conscience woke up and I threw it in my hotel trashcan. Ironically, the housekeeping staff must have thought my pitch was a mistake and they retrieved it and placed it on my fluffed bed pillow. Thankfully, they removed it with the trash the following day.

I have not seen the film or finished the book, so I cannot speak with authority on why the film and book is so harmful to our minds and love lives, but I will happily echo the warnings of others.

Because the film is a mainstay in the media this week, I have discussed the harmfulness of the film with my daughters. Pat and I consistently warn them to guard their hearts. By God’s design, they are to be loved and protected and cherished. Like their mom, they are very visual creatures. What we see, sticks. When our emotions get involved, our actions and values evolve. Like my mom used to say, “What’s down in the well comes up in the bucket.”

In our Fifty Shades heart to heart, we also discussed the danger of the show “Friends”. I love the show. I am a Monica. The 22-minute escape into laughter and silliness has given me needed giggles over the last 20 years. Its emergence on Netflix has reintroduced it into our home. I am pretty certain that I have never read negative Christian blogs on the show and I can’t imagine that 100% of my friends don’t enjoy it too. I do think it should come with a strong warning. Friends and Fifty Shades are visually and emotionally enticing. One taps into our libido and the other tickles our funny bone; both hook us emotionally and have the potential to shape our values and actions. They mainstream sex outside of marriage and ridicule the beauty of virginity until marriage. When we are entertained by and binge on these emotionally triggering ideals, we can lose sight of what is really beautiful.

I am not casting stones. I would be lined up so far back at the end of the stone casting line. I just think it is important to be savvy and protective consumers of everything we choose to see. It is so easy to jump on the Fifty Shades bashing bandwagon; it takes a disciplined sense of alertness to be convicted by the offensive when it is wrapped up in humor.

When the girls were little, we used to sing the song, “Be careful little eyes what you see.” The song concludes with these words, “For the Father up above is looking down in love…..” The Father up above loves all of us. He wants us to be careful consumers because He knows what will bring us joy and not harm. He has created incredible beauty and wonder for our consumption. Friends and Fifty Shades are just 2 out of thousands of harmful vision cripplers. We have the opportunity to be proactive. Fill up on the good stuff and you won’t have a hunger for the harmful.

 “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” Phil 4:8 (NKJV)