Today, I have found myself in a state of insecurity. I have been suffering through a season of conflict and frustration that has been going on for a few years. The build up to this turbulent time has taken decades and as the friction gained momentum, my hope and resolve have diminished. There have been ebbs and flows as far as the intensity and heartache go, but never resolution. This trial has intensified again and as I buckle up and prepare for another week, I’m angry and anxious. I have fervently prayed for something that I feel so sure must be God’s will. I have watched God answer the prayers of so many others and then watched Christian friends swoon with praises of thanksgiving to these answered prayers… But God has said “No” to mine. I really don’t get it. My prayer is unselfish and kingdom-minded. It considers the well being of others and it is full of humility and hope. Without a doubt, I would gain by a “yes” answer, but so would many others. In the period of time that I have been praying and suffering and growing through this trail, the situation has gotten worse than I could have imagined possible. I’m scared of what will happen next. The only solution to the problem will have to be divine intervention. I’m stuck and immobile and without ability or opportunity to help. By saying “no” to me and “yes” to others around me, I feel like God doesn’t care. I know that’s crazy and completely out of bounds for a Christian to say, but I just feel so abandoned by the Lord. His refusal to help translates, as “Your prayers and pain are not important to me.” I don’t want to pray about it anymore, and for the first time in my Christian life, I don’t really trust God. I trust He is powerful enough to help. I trust that He is always good, but I don’t completely trust that He loves me. I know He cannot tell a lie, and I know that He says that He loves me. I know that He died for me, but He feels so far away right now and He feels impersonal. I’m writing this today to remind myself of the truth while hoping to encourage those of you who need a douse of the truth too.
We live in a society where people don’t talk about their pain. It’s okay to ask for prayers when people are sick or traveling, but when people are dealing with shame or sin or fractured relationships, we shut up and keep it hidden. We certainly don’t express mistrust in God or the pain of feeling abandoned by Him. As alone as I feel in my spiritual sinkhole, common sense tells me that there must be others suffering an intensely emotional or spiritual soul cancer too. Mine has made me feel unworthy and stupid and the only answer that I can tell is to saturate this heartache with scripture. My emotions and situation are temporary….even though they feel eternal right now. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can and will have to determinedly look for the Light of the World and His eternal truth.
“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief.
Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
Our ancestors trusted in you,
and you rescued them
They cried out to you and were saved.
They trusted in you and were never disgraced. Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb
and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.
I was thrust into your arms at my birth.
You have been my God from the moment I was born.
Do not stay so far from me,
for trouble is near,
and no one else can help me.” Ps 22:1-5,10,11 (NLT)
“Jesus Wept” John 11:35 (NLT)
“Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;” Isaiah 53:4a (NKJV)
“Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.”
1 Peter 5:7 (NKJV)
“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,” 2 Corinthians 4:17 (NKJV)
“ I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.” John 14:18 (NKJV)
“And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NKJV)
Catherine, I so understand what you’re feeling. There have been seasons where I know that what I prayed would be beneficial to me as well as others and would in most times bring Him glory yet He has either not answered (or so I thought) or has told me flat out no. It’s so very scary to be in that place where you feel like God isn’t listening because Yes, once again it’s me, or to be at the place where you feel alone, separated from even your closest friends. I have watched people around me never seem to suffer with any trials or loss and wonder what is it about me or my family that draws trials like magnets? I have come to realize that everyone has something, it’s whether or not we are willing to live transparently enough to let others see our struggle. Am I willing to let God use my struggle to show someone else they are not alone?
I’m in a study about fighting back with joy. It has been so wonderful to realize that – a) I can fight back the fear or the insecurity or the depression or whatever with joy; b) that praying in Jesus name doesn’t automatically mean I get a yes but it does mean I want whatever the answer is to glorify God and c) that so many times when I am praying for a yes that it’s really about me way more than about the benefit of others or even God’s glory. Have to tell you b & c were hard. I like to think I’m all about being selfless and all that goes with that but truthfully I’m about me too. Life stinks. It’s hard. Being willing to be honest and transparent is a gamble some days. Some people welcome it and some are scared away by it. What did I learn? Trust Him anyway. Even if you don’t feel like it. Even if it feels as though He isn’t listening. Be honest and transparent even if it’s scary, it will help someone else. Good grief!! I can’t bear to think that all I’ve been through cant help someone else!!
Hang tight, morning is coming and we KNOW His mercies are new every day!
Beth, Thank you so much. Your transparent encouragement helps. I love you. C
C–
I cannot say anything else after reading Beth’s comment, except that I read this. I hear you. I’m hurting for you. I’ve been there. And–you are loved!
Thank you, Lindley. I love you too