It has been a terrible start to the basketball season for our son. His team is 0 and 4. The fact that his team went to the state championship game last year only exacerbates the pain; it doesn’t help that his baby sister’s varsity team is 3 and 0. He does his best to hold his head high and stay positive, but there is a visible slump of shoulders on game nights and palpable frustration post game in our home.
I hate to see him hurting and it breaks my heart to watch his teammates continue to experience disappointment.
I want to help. I wish that I could bake something or buy something or come up with the most encouraging words, prayers or promises to make it better. I miss the abundance of smiles and laughter that used to be commonplace in his life of just being a boy. I celebrate the distractions that make him smile, but between homework, ACT’s and basketball, there is little time for amusement or entertainment.
My son is not alone. All the boys on his team are experiencing some level of heartache this season and it is likely that this team will be the source of comfort my son needs during this period of time. I know that no one can help more than the people who are suffering through the same struggle.
I have been on losing teams before. Everyone who participates in sports knows what it is like to lose and most of us know what it is like to lose often and a lot. I can look back on my time as an athlete and see how losing shaped me for the better. I could instruct my son on the valuable lessons learned from defeat. I could preach the truths about rejoicing in our trials or how basketball isn’t eternal, but none of this will help my son. This is his personal “agony of defeat” and my attempts to fix or soothe will probably just frustrate him more, because even though I understand a lot, I don’t understand what it is like to be a 17-year-old boy on a varsity team that is 0 and 4. His comfort will come from camaraderie.
“Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.” Proverbs 25:20 (NLT)
While my young, frustrated basketball player pushes through this tough season, I have some tough lessons to learn too. I really need to quit coaching. Advice from a female 43-year-old former athlete doesn’t carry a lot of value in this situation. Learning to be quiet when you have so much truth bursting inside is a challenge. This is an experience that will do great things to shape him in the long run and I need to be OK with backing off and letting him own it. It isn’t natural to back off when our kids are hurting; we want to keep them from all forms of pain, but it usually is the hard stuff that produces the most beautiful outcomes.
There is a magnificent tree in my yard. Each fall, the leaves on this tree are the most abundant and vibrant. It has these amazing twisted limbs that showcase how it has reached for the sun. It has survived wind and ice storms. Its roots are deep and its trunk is huge. This tree is awesome because of what it has been through. We don’t worry about it when the weather is threatening, because it has proven its strength over and over again. It has survived the tough seasons and as a result, it is stronger and more beautiful.
When the clouds billow and the weatherman warns of trouble, I don’t go outside and sit beside my tree; I just pray. When the clouds billow around our teenage children, the best thing we can do is pray. Getting on my knees is not a posture of abandonment; it is a display of love and effective action. Trees and teens need their space.
The other big lesson for me is this: there is comfort in camaraderie. David will receive the most comfort from his teammates because they are feeling the same way he is. Their jokes will be more amusing and their encouragements will be more healing….because their pain is the same.
When I take time to open my eyes to the things going on in my community, I see parents and women and friends who are hurting over the very same things that I am hurting over. These are the people that I can help.
People need to know they are not alone. There is comfort in sitting beside a fellow sufferer. The tears shared with a friend who understands are medicinal. It is a privilege to be vulnerable and share our stuff with “teammates”. Our souls are restored when people who understand listen.
James Dobson imparted this wisdom to parents of teens,”You just have to get through it.” The teenage years are a season. We are not promised that everything will go well or be easy in all seasons. We go through seasons of challenge and sickness, losses and heartache, but these seasons come to an end too. Lots of times, we just have to get through it.
Everyone goes through losing seasons, but we don’t have to go through these alone. It is important to recognize who our teammates are and then to be available to these companions. It is equally important to recognize that sympathy isn’t as healing as empathy. If we haven’t been through something, our greatest intentions at soothing can be like pouring vinegar in a wound.
When you can’t identify with the struggle, back off and pray,or admit that you don’t understand and stick around just to listen. Do Not be one of those people who compares raising their dog with your efforts to raise a child. If you DO understand the pain of the specific struggle, listen even more and then share your life and love. People suffering need to know that they are not alone. There is great comfort in camaraderie.
“I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.”
Maya Angelou
“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?”