Dear Sons & Daughters Archives - Page 4 of 6 - Catherine Nelson

We did not make New Year’s resolutions this year. It isn’t that I don’t believe in them. In the past, the Nelson family has made lots of resolutions. One year, we all set an academic, spiritual, physical and personal/fun goal. We put the goals on a chart and pinned them on Pat’s office wall. I like goal setting. Being resolute has helped me lose weight, run marathons, pick up new hobbies and inspired my love of learning.

Although no new resolutions were made to kick off this year, Pat and I did have a poignant conversation with a couple of our teens this week. We were all sitting by the fire in the den, mulling over the year gone by and considering what the next year might hold. Pat asked the kids, who do you want to be and what do you need to do to be that person?

The teenagers had different ideas and obviously needed more time to thoughtfully consider the question, but one of them responded to the question by answering with a list of don’ts.

I need to STOP doing this

I need to AVOID this person

I DON’T need to engage in this activity.

QUIT! STOP! DON’T! ABSTAIN! GIVE UP!

This answer and the thought process behind it broke my heart, and then it convicted me. It broke my heart, because we were anticipating hearing vision and optimism. Our kids are still developing and forming dreams. They have great potential. The future is bright. I want them to recognize all the exciting possibilities that lie ahead and embrace their opportunities to contribute to the world. I want them to believe in exceeding greatness and bright hope for tomorrow.

It convicted me, because I often find myself living in the same restrictive mindset of the “Don’ts”. It is not uncommon for me to spend the vast majority of my prayer time in confession. I wish I could say that my verbal purge of sin lists is a part of my prayers because it focuses me on God’s amazing grace, but that would be a lie…. and yet another sin I would need to confess. It is so wonderful to recognize the awesomeness of God’s grace and it is blatantly exposed when juxtaposed next to our sinfulness, but I’m pretty sure that I stay stuck in confession because I am stuck on me.

I need to STOP doing this

I need to AVOID this person

I DON’T need to engage in this activity.

QUIT! STOP! DON’T! ABSTAIN! GIVE UP!

When we are focused on our negative self, even in a resolute determination, we miss the point. When all we see are the Don’ts, there isn’t a view of the Do’s. You and I were created to glorify God and ENJOY Him forever. Our time here can hurt like hell, but the greatest gift you and I ever received was literally Hell for Jesus. He paid the price for all of the things we didn’t avoid or shouldn’t have done. Because he did, we have the resolute goal of living to be like Him. We have great potential. Our future is bright. We have opportunities every day to contribute to this world for His glory. We can rejoice as we embrace the HOPE of His calling.

He paid for our sins one time and it was finished. He knows what you have done wrong and what you will screw up today and all of your tomorrows. You must confess it, but then you need to put it to bed. Jesus doesn’t dwell on it, so why would you? He is walking beside you encouraging you to know who you are. You are His child. You can DO anything through Him.

“…that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power which He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places”Ephesians1:17-20 (NKJV)

 

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. Romans 6:1-4 (NKJV)

30 minutes into the New Year, we received the first sledgehammer blow to our family. The second and third assaults came before 3 am. It is possible that many of you have already heard the salacious stories that rang in our new year, and as we are still trying to see through this painful fog, I cannot and do not feel an inclination to articulate details. I will do my best to protect the innocent (and not so innocent), but for those of you who appreciate doing life with me, and for you prayer soldiers out there, and for those of you who need encouragement and need to know you are not alone in your heart-brokenness…. I would love to share what I am learning today.

Today, everything I can see makes me feel stupid. I feel like I have let down my family. I feel like all my testimonies are ringing false. I am scared and despondent about future things. During my sleepless night, I dwelt on all the confusion, fear and what-if’s. I let feelings of inadequacy and hypocrisy engulf me. My environmental circumstances prohibited me from fixing the situation. I prayed and prayed and cried a lot too.

During the crossover mulling of prayers and distracting fears, this phrase cracked through my brokenness: “Whatsoever things are true”.

In my devastation, I couldn’t even figure out how to pray or what to pray for, but I COULD figure out things that are true.

I began listing the events that occurred in the first 3 hours of 2015. I knew enough to know that our situation could have been much worse. I moved on to list what I know is true about this very moment when specifically applied to my family, marriage, health and circumstances. Today is January 1 and I am married and have 4 kids and 2 dogs and a home….The list grew longer, but it really stayed that basic.

As the sun began its first efforts to break through our bleak night, I began to list what I know is true about the God I have placed my faith in. I remembered some verses I had read the day before and got up and read them again. I needed to marinate in these truths:

“The Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way you went until you came to that place.” (Deut 1:31 NKJV)

“I bore you on eagles’ wings and brought you to myself.” (Exodus 19:4 NKJV)

“In His love and in His pity He redeemed them; and He bore them and carried them all the days of old.” (Isa. 63:9 NKJV)

“As an eagle stirs up its nest, hovering over its young, spreading out its wings, taking them up, carrying them on its wings, so the LORD ALONE led him.” (Deut 32:11-12 NKJV)

“Even to your OLD AGE, I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made you, and I will bear you; even I will carry you, and I will deliver you.” (ISA. 46:4 NKJV)

“Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you. “ (Psalm 55:22 NJKV)

“Thus far the Lord has helped us.” (1 Sam 7:12 NKJV)

It is vital for me to remember God’s faithfulness. I cannot make it through today or this week without Him. I am embarrassed that I forget this all the time. I am aware of my need for Him today, because I can feel the sting of today, but my need is just as acute when my circumstances are breezier.

I cherished the reminder that God is carrying me, even in my old age. It has been a very long time since I have been able to physically carry my children… and even longer since someone has been able to carry me, but God says He does! He made me, bears me, carries me and delivers me. He’s holding me tightly against his strong and protective chest and not letting go. He can and does this for my kids and husband and for you too. I need to be so tightly held that His finger marks leave an indention. I really need to quit forgetting how much He loves and values me….

These are the things that are true!

As for today, there is still a lot of confusion and there will be more tears and likely more lies, and there will be hard lessons in 2015.

I don’t know what you are learning, but you and I both have a great teacher. His truths are the balm we need during the heartbreaks and dull seasons and for every time that we are confused.

The New Year is not off to a great start, but the start is never as important as the finish. The first score doesn’t hold a candle to the final score. We had a really rough start, but we will finish the race.

Please be encouraged to live in light of the truth, and if you are led to do so, pray that the Nelson family will too.

Blessings to you all in 2015.

“ Finally brothers, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely; whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” (Phil. 4:8 NKJV)

Yesterday was a great day. Pat and I grabbed our favorite Starbuck’s Christmas drinks on the way to church. As usual, we sat on the 3^rd row for worship while being flanked by 3 of our 4 children. We were filled with joy as we all sang Christmas hymns and then enjoyed a great belly laugh during the children’s sermon. We were comforted during the sermon as we were reminded of the passion God has for each of us displayed in His plan of dwelling among us. Sunday School involved sweet fellowship and more great teaching. A yummy family lunch out was followed by naps, TV by the fire and a fun conversation with our oldest off at college, but as evening set in, the mood began to change.

Very soon after hanging up with our oldest daughter, she texted that she feels homesick. Our son expressed anxiety about the week ahead and the sorrow over the death of a favorite teacher this past weekend. Our middle daughter is swimming in exam stress and our youngest has been wounded by the all too familiar world of middle school girl crud. Every week Sunday night fades into Monday morning and with the flip of a calendar page our focus habitually shifts from a healthy, restful and happy focus to a hurried, challenged and myopic concentration. Yesterday our lives were filled with heaps of learning, joy, rest and fellowship around the table, and today began with stacks of bills, piles of laundry and homework and the fear of no one to sit with in the cafeteria. It is so natural to feel the presence of God on Sunday, but when busyness and heartache cross our threshold why do we not remember the God of Mondays?

Last night, I held our youngest in my lap as I wiped away her tears. She is confused and convinced that something is tragically wrong about her. ( *** 8^th grade sucks. It always has and I am quite certain it always will. I know that 99% of you women who can remember 8^th grade will agree***) Holding her and having the beautiful privilege of loving her and filling the air around her with truth instead of lies was precious. I told her that Jesus understands all her pain and that He was rejected too. I told her how He is collecting her tears and how precious each of her tears is to Him. I told her that He would never leave her. I reminded her of how much her Dad and siblings and I love her. I showed her scripture where God tells her that He is strong enough to carry her and hold her tightly and protect her. He is a refuge from all her storms and He calls her beautiful. I promised her that it will be OK, even though it hurts so badly right now…. And she smiled and believed me, but that was on Sunday and she feels alone today. She needs the God of Mondays.

I totally understand. I know in my heart that God, the King of Kings adores me. He delights in me and I am His treasured possession. I am keenly aware of these declarations during my quiet time, but when I get off my knees, shut my journal and close my Bible, it takes less than a minute for my focus to turn sour. I get downwardly distracted by chores, people, email, phone calls and even my dog. It is so easy to forget what is important on Monday.

God’s truth is the same on Sunday as it is on Monday. His love and compassion are the same. He has just as much joy and peace and time for us. His mercies are new every morning. He is the same God as He was yesterday and He will be tomorrow too. He is the God of Sundays and He is the God of Mondays.

My youngest daughter will have to be purposeful in remembering the truth. Stressing out and feeling inadequate come much more naturally, but just because it feels natural to believe you are unlovely does not make it true. I love Jesus so much and I love how faithful He is to keep teaching me. Today, I love Him for reminding me how much He values being the God of Mondays. He declares His role as comforter and refuge and protector. I hope each of you have a beautiful Monday. Please, even in the middle of you manic Monday, be purposeful to remember how much God loves you. He delights in you and calls you His precious treasure.

“The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 (NIV)

“The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deuteronomy 33:27 (NIV)

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26 (NIV)

 

 

This has been a very special and relaxing week. Pat and I are in Napa Valley with some of our best friends and it has rained on us the entire time. The local weather girls keep proclaiming to the bay area that there has been more rain accumulation in the last 4 days than there was in every day of the last year combined. The grey skies and cool air are soporific. We have enjoyed lots of time by the fire and all have indulged in extended naps.

We have put on our raincoats and boots and ventured out to enjoy amazing food and to tour local vineyards and wineries. Weather talk has been pervasive no matter where we go. During our wine tours, we learned how weather affects the taste of wine. About 75% of the wine we have tasted was harvested in 2012. 2012 was a drought year in the valley. The grapes produced that year were much smaller and stressed out, and as a result they yielded delicious wine. When a vat of grapes is filled with smaller fruit there is proportionally more skin than juice. The grapes are pushed, pressed and squeezed and the flavor-rich skin is utilized to fashion fabulous wine.

When the weather is perfect, grapes don’t get stressed out. When there is the perfect balance of sun and rain and pleasant temperatures, grapes get big and fat and watery. Happy grapes turn out inferior wine.

Stressed out grapes are sweet encouragements to me. I often wish for calm seas and pleasant conditions, but the stormy clouds of life have helped deepen my flavor. The scars and bruises that occur from years of being squeezed and pressed and pushed are the very marks that make my life beautiful.

It breaks my heart when I observe seasons of drought in the lives of my children. I watch them struggle to understand academic concepts; I see them end up on the losing side of the scoreboard or get excluded from social opportunities. I would love to have the capability to shield them from all of these tempests, but I know the storms and scorching days are beneficial.

We all learn more when we are challenged. The few who are born with silver spoons in their mouths and never experience raindrops don’t develop real depth or richness. As hard as it is to rejoice when suffering and stress is present, there is an accessible peace in knowing the current squeezing produces amazing fruit.

The wine producers in the Napa valley are celebrating the drought of 2012. They can look back on all the stress and irrigation challenges from that year and taste the bounty before them today.

Most of us can review our stormy seasons and offer up praise and thankfulness for the way they produced a richness and beauty in our lives. As we are comforted by the way pain has molded us, we can rest in peace that the storms won’t destroy our kids either. Our job is to give them appropriate weather alerts and umbrellas or sunscreen and then let them venture outside. We are not guaranteed sunny skies in life, but we are promised shelter from the storm and beautiful fruit if we endure.

It can be nasty out there, but Let’s Raise a glass to the lousy weather.

“But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, 6 to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, 7 to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. 8 For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 2 Peter 1:5-8 (NKJV)

 

“For You have been a strength to the poor, 
A strength to the needy in his distress, 
A refuge from the storm, 
A shade from the heat; 
For the blast of the terrible ones is as a storm against the wall.” Isaiah 25:4 (NKJV)

 

“Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 (NKJV)

 

 

“These bruises make for better conversation

Loses the vibe that separates

It’s good to let you in again

You’re not alone in how you’ve been

Everybody loses, we all got bruises.”

(Lyrics by “Train”)

Last week I finished reading a book that really challenged my thinking. The book focused on the idea of praying big. The author urged all his readers to pray for big specific miracles. He advocated bucket lists and gave outlines on how to pray audaciously. I was intrigued, but at first, I found it very difficult to apply his prayer instructions.

I can say with confidence that I know God still preforms miracles. Our God is huge and powerful; nothing is too hard for Him. I also am confident that His will is being done. I have never been compelled to pray for outrageous outcomes, because I rest in the peace that God uses all things together for good for those of us who love Him. I don’t think I pout or get discouraged when life gets messy, because I know He is on the throne. He knows what He is doing and I don’t have to be kept in the loop. His ways are higher than my ways.

My prayers tend to be more along the lines of, “God, do what you want to do and conform me to the likeness of Christ through what you are doing”…. Or, “Lord, your way is best, so help me be obedient and rejoice in my circumstances.” I know my prayers and faith are rooted in truth. I love to study scripture and I love to learn, but I wonder if I have been shortsighted in my understanding. Is it possible that I have been too Presbyterian in my approach to prayers of petition? Do I dare ask for more this season? Does making a bucket list glorify God? Could new years resolutions show me more of God’s glory? Could 10 or 20-year goals be platforms for praising God?

 “I didn’t believe what was said until I arrived here and saw it with my own eyes. In fact, I had not heard the half of it!” 1Kings 10:7 (NLT)

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined
 what God has prepared
 for those who love Him. But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets.” 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

I have celebrated the peace that comes from the beautiful truth that God is in control, but I believe that I may have been missing the chance to celebrate some of God’s other wonderful characteristics.

God listens to all my prayers and He loves me. I can pray for huge things and then watch Him be God and make it happen. I can pray for healing in our city and an end to the racial hatred that brings us National attention. I can pray for major growth in our family company and specific huge requests for my children. It isn’t greedy for me to pray that this blog or speaking opportunities multiply. I am content today, but I believe that God wants us to ask for more so that He can show us more of Himself.

God also tells us that when He created the world, He saw that it was good. There are some beautiful places in God’s creation that I would love to see. There are mountains and historic cities and tropical islands that do an amazing job of showcasing God’s astounding handiwork. Shouldn’t I make it a goal to see them? Wouldn’t it be awesome to have one more opportunity to praise the Lord for something He has done or made, and how can I know the half of it unless I see it with my own eyes?

I am not able to see or fully comprehend God’s holiness or beauty until I am redeemed and standing with Him face to face, but until that day I should search for Him and hunt down His beauty. He has said that He wants me to know the depth and breadth of His love for me. I believe I need to more actively look for it instead of passively rest in His peace. He is always active. He is always working. “ His Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep secrets.” We are created in His image, and we long to be more like Him, so shouldn’t we be active and search too?

I will continue to celebrate His peace. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I will rejoice in all circumstances, but I am going to learn to pray differently.

As the year winds to a close, I will readily give thanks and with my thankful heart, I am going to start asking for more.

“Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” Ephesians 3:17-19

 

It has been a terrible start to the basketball season for our son. His team is 0 and 4. The fact that his team went to the state championship game last year only exacerbates the pain; it doesn’t help that his baby sister’s varsity team is 3 and 0. He does his best to hold his head high and stay positive, but there is a visible slump of shoulders on game nights and palpable frustration post game in our home.

I hate to see him hurting and it breaks my heart to watch his teammates continue to experience disappointment.

I want to help. I wish that I could bake something or buy something or come up with the most encouraging words, prayers or promises to make it better. I miss the abundance of smiles and laughter that used to be commonplace in his life of just being a boy. I celebrate the distractions that make him smile, but between homework, ACT’s and basketball, there is little time for amusement or entertainment.

My son is not alone. All the boys on his team are experiencing some level of heartache this season and it is likely that this team will be the source of comfort my son needs during this period of time. I know that no one can help more than the people who are suffering through the same struggle.

I have been on losing teams before. Everyone who participates in sports knows what it is like to lose and most of us know what it is like to lose often and a lot. I can look back on my time as an athlete and see how losing shaped me for the better. I could instruct my son on the valuable lessons learned from defeat. I could preach the truths about rejoicing in our trials or how basketball isn’t eternal, but none of this will help my son. This is his personal “agony of defeat” and my attempts to fix or soothe will probably just frustrate him more, because even though I understand a lot, I don’t understand what it is like to be a 17-year-old boy on a varsity team that is 0 and 4. His comfort will come from camaraderie.

“Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart
 is like taking someone’s coat in cold weather
 or pouring vinegar in a wound.” Proverbs 25:20 (NLT)

While my young, frustrated basketball player pushes through this tough season, I have some tough lessons to learn too. I really need to quit coaching. Advice from a female 43-year-old former athlete doesn’t carry a lot of value in this situation. Learning to be quiet when you have so much truth bursting inside is a challenge. This is an experience that will do great things to shape him in the long run and I need to be OK with backing off and letting him own it. It isn’t natural to back off when our kids are hurting; we want to keep them from all forms of pain, but it usually is the hard stuff that produces the most beautiful outcomes.

There is a magnificent  tree in my yard. Each fall, the leaves on this tree are the most abundant and vibrant. It has these amazing twisted limbs that showcase how it has reached for the sun. It has survived wind and ice storms. Its roots are deep and its trunk is huge. This tree is awesome because of what it has been through. We don’t worry about it when the weather is threatening, because it has proven its strength over and over again. It has survived the tough seasons and as a result, it is stronger and more beautiful.

When the clouds billow and the weatherman warns of trouble, I don’t go outside and sit beside my tree; I just pray. When the clouds billow around our teenage children, the best thing we can do is pray.  Getting on my knees is not a posture of abandonment; it is a display of love and effective action. Trees and teens need their space.

The other big lesson for me is this: there is comfort in camaraderie. David will receive the most comfort from his teammates because they are feeling the same way he is. Their jokes will be more amusing and their encouragements will be more healing….because their pain is the same.

When I take time to open my eyes to the things going on in my community, I see parents and women and friends who are hurting over the very same things that I am hurting over. These are the people that I can help.

People need to know they are not alone. There is comfort in sitting beside a fellow sufferer. The tears shared with a friend who understands are medicinal. It is a privilege to be vulnerable and share our stuff with “teammates”. Our souls are restored when people who understand listen.

James Dobson imparted this wisdom to parents of teens,”You just have to get through it.” The teenage years are a season. We are not promised that everything will go well or be easy in all seasons. We go through seasons of challenge and sickness, losses and heartache, but these seasons come to an end too. Lots of times, we just have to get through it.

Everyone goes through losing seasons, but we don’t have to go through these alone. It is important to recognize who our teammates are and then to be available to these companions. It is equally important to recognize that sympathy isn’t as healing as empathy. If we haven’t been through something, our greatest intentions at soothing can be like pouring vinegar in a wound.

When you can’t identify with the struggle, back off and pray,or admit that you don’t understand and stick around just to listen. Do Not be one of those people who compares raising their dog with your efforts to raise a child. If you DO understand the pain of the specific struggle, listen even more and then share your life and love. People suffering need to know that they are not alone. There is great comfort in camaraderie.

“I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.”

Maya Angelou

 

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like “What about lunch?”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

“It is such a shame that Bess isn’t playing volleyball in college.” Well-meaning people have voiced these exact words to me at least a dozen times over the last few years. The fact that she had the opportunity to play college ball and chose not to is a mystery to them. My son is a junior in High school this year and is in the thick of college recruiting. I don’t think he should play college ball. The decision will be his as the volleyball decision was for our daughter, but as their mom, I have learned a lot and I have advice to give.

I have made some outrageous and harmful mistakes as the parent of athletes. I got so completely sucked into the “sports comes first” mentality. As a family, we put sports above family meals and vacations. Our kids didn’t get to seize many summer opportunities including jobs  and mission trips. I let their responsibilities at home slide. After a long day at school, my first question would be, “how was practice?’ If they weren’t feeling well, I was concerned about how it would affect the way they played and not what was ailing them. We missed countless Sundays in church. Instead of participating in worship, our heads were filled with the mind-numbing barrage of whistle blowing. Instead of a Sabbath day of rest, we drove ourselves mad racing from court to court while worshiping our children.

As Christians, we justified it. We believed that God had chosen to give our children very special talents which could only be showcased  on Sundays. We drank the Kool-Aid. We live in a culture that glorifies sports.We fantasized about their chance to contribute to the American story.We preached about how sports teaches team work, discipline and leadership while ignoring that sports also can breed vanity, lack of balance and idolatry. Our children found their identity in sports. We were vigilant about checking the tiny box scores in the very back part of the sports section in our local paper. When they lost, we grieved. When they won, we had celebratory meals. We lost lots of sleep over winning and losing.

We were sports zombies. We stumbled around without conviction and lost sight of life and real joy. We set the standard for our children. They followed our example and wanted to please us. Because I was so sure that their athletic abilities were gifts, I also believed they had a responsibility to nurture those gifts, but worst of all, I didn’t listen to my kids. I told people without hesitation that they loved their sport, but I never asked the kids if that was the truth. My children saw how much their dad and I loved celebrating their talents and successes. My children loved the celebration and they loved pleasing us, but because we started this all-consuming journey at such a young age, I don’t think they ever had a chance to discover what else they might love. We picked their sports when they were so young.We adore our kids and we believed that we were helping them be their best. We got high over their young success and recognition and we fostered it without pause.

I am so thankful that there is still time to heal the wounds I have caused and to guide my younger daughters in a more balanced way. I know this for sure:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 (NIV)

It is certainly true that their athletic skills could be considered good and perfect gifts from above, but the book of Proverbs warns us about too much of even good gifts:

 “It’s not good to eat too much honey, and it’s not good to seek honors for yourself.” Proverbs 25:27 (NIV)

Kids, sports, and their love of sports change like shifting shadows. God does not.The older I get, the more I realize how fleeting life is. Our time here is a blip. God is eternal and He has called us to invest in eternal things. It is our choice whether or not we invest in fleeting earthly efforts or eternal kingdom efforts. One of the most beautiful and generous gifts He has given us is a day of rest. He created us for worship. We are going to be creatures that worship; it is in our DNA. I have been guilty of worshiping my kids instead of the one who created them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving sports or music or technology or any of the other recreational pastimes we have at our disposal. I am suggesting that for many of us, that enjoyment has lots its balance and as a consequence, our lack of balance has confused our calling and stolen our joy. It is futile to live in regret about how as parents we established a home that worshiped our kids and sports, but without regret, I wonder what our kids would value today if, when they were little, Pat and I were as enthusiastic about Sunday worship and Spiritual growth and perfect love, joy and peace as we were about volleyball. I am so prayerful that God will reclaim those hollow, hungry years in the desert for future blessings and glory.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

I don’t know if our son will choose to play college ball. He knows that I don’t want him to. I know that God knows the answer. God has known it all along. My job is not to manipulate my son with my perspective or passions. My job…my calling is to teach Him the truth about who he is and why he is valuable. He is precious because God says so. He has been given the gift of eternal life and forgiveness for his sins. His calling is to worship the Lord and enjoy Him forever. His greatest shout out will never be from Jarvis Greer at 10:25 on a Friday night; it will be when Jesus stands before the throne and proclaims to God and the angels and all the witnesses that this kid belongs to HIM.

If I am being totally honest, this article was written from a place of defensiveness. To hear multiple people say that something your child chose to do or not do was “such a shame” leaves a sting. I felt judged as her parent. When I smile and say that not playing volleyball in college was the best decision for Bess, I am not being brave and plastering on a fake smile. She is doing great. She has applied her competitive spirit to her academics. She spent the entire summer at camp… touching 100’s of lives with her love for Jesus. She has new time and opportunities and freedom to find out what else she loves. I sincerely hope that reading this and witnessing my heart change leaves you encouraged. The last thing I want any of you feel is shame. You and I are part of the body of Christ. We are family. We have eternity together where we will celebrate forever the one who is so deserving of all our cheers and worship.

We are all going to make mistakes as parents. God is the only one who has ever been a perfect parent and His mercies are new every morning. I am so thankful that He keeps teaching me and that He calls me precious. He delights in taking care of all of our precious children and us, and  He alone is worthy of our worship.

The first time the “I hate Mom Monster” arrived in our home, our oldest child was about 3. This monster is not very clever or scary, and he is so easy to bait. All I have to do in order to get a glimpse of him is to tell my children “No”. He used to be much more obvious. 17 years ago, all I had to do to find him was to force naptime or not allow the consumption of excessive amounts of candy. When I enforced these rules, He would body snatch my adorable 3’ tall blonde and shrilling scream “I hate you!”. Today, he is no more clever or scary, but he is definitely sneakier. When I have the audacity to tell one of my teenagers, “No”, he has been known to carve his mantra into our craft table, Pen his favorite words into the hem of school uniforms, shout his tear-infused motto into pillows and use his agile angry fingers to text his creed to eager to listen teenage friends. He has also picked up some pretty colorful adverbs along the way that make his war cry much more sensational.

He likes to visit my girls more than my son, and 90% of the time, his attacks are aimed at me. Whether it is my proximity, femaleness, or lack of flexibility, Dad remains mostly unscathed. His darts don’t penetrate very deeply, and although they sting a little, they heal very quickly. He never stays very long in our house, and when he leaves, he is so quickly forgotten. There is always a time of tenderness and love-infused mending when he sulks out of the building.

Yesterday, his visit lasted less than an hour and although he came to hurt and disparage, he left our family with a beautiful gift. In the Nelson house, we tend to learn a lot more from our mistakes than we do from the easy-breezy times. When I confiscated her cell phone and sent the anger-laden princess to her isolation tower yesterday to hang out with the ridiculous monster, I received an e-mail from her 10 minutes into her banishment (Yes…. I forgot to also confiscate her computer). Here are some excerpts from her letter:

Mommy,

I want you to know that I didn’t mean what I said. And I was stupid…..I am so sorry for embarrassing you in front of my friends and making you seem like the bad guy. I should have listened to what you said before….. A few weeks ago at 3 degrees, (3 degrees is her youth group) Mallory talked about how much God did for us, and how He took the blame for us….. You give me so much grace that I don’t deserve, just like Jesus did. You are such a special person in my life, and I want you to know that I love you. I might not seem like it, but I really do love you. I am so blessed at the amazing works that God as done in my life. He has given me amazing parents, friends, a school, and I am so thankful. Please forgive me for being stupid and disrespectful. You don’t have to, but if you want to, I would really appreciate it if you could come upstairs and talk to me. I am so terribly upset and I feel awful. You are so precious to me….. I am sorry for always hurting your feeling just because I want to do something that I want to do…… This is not a letter from me asking to get my phone back or un-ground me. I could care less about my punishment. All I care about is making you feel special. I love you so much, and if you want to hear it from my mouth instead of on paper to see if I really mean it, then please come upstairs and talk to me because I would really appreciate it. I love you with all of my heart.

 

So, can you guess what I did? Of course, you can! I went upstairs and hugged her, wiped her tears and prayed with her. I assured her that she could never lose my love and no matter what she did, does, or will do, I will always have her back. She is mine. I don’t love her because of what she does right, and I don’t withhold my love when she screws up. I delight in her.

You and I are no different from entitled and surly teenagers. When things don’t go our way, we doubt God’s love for us. We focus on what He has restricted us from and we avoid His truth. We tune out His warnings and stubbornly choose our own way. When He lovingly corrects us, we shout our frustrations and tell our friends about it. While we rant, He patiently waits. When we come out of our cloud of confusion and anger, He embraces us. He meets us when we are still a long way off. When we rebel, He doesn’t quit loving us and He is no more incapacitated by our pity parties than moms are when daughters shout, “I hate you.” He is faithful when we are faithless. He is God and He loves us because we belong to Him. The things we do right or wrong do not affect his love.

Oh dear friends, please be encouraged and watch out for the dippy, silly, hair brained monsters that try to sneak in when you receive the answer “no.” Adopt this letter from my daughter as a beautiful prayer for our own conversations with Jesus. “He has blessed us so much”. “He has given us so much.” Apologize for hurting His feelings because of our own selfish pursuits. Embrace the passion of “making Him feel special.”

“See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1a (NLT)

 

“This is real love–not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.”

1 John 4:10 (NLT)

 

During a recent family get-together, my sister in law was asking for advice about appliances we have bought and decisions we have made in building our homes. Every adult in the room had advice to give. We told her to get 2 dishwashers, child-locks on those dishwashers and very efficient washing machines. We alerted her to the need for everything to be easy to clean. We talked about how much laundry we do and how almost every surface gets sticky. The conversation evolved into how kids leave shoes everywhere, have mental blocks on getting dishes in the dishwasher and how our cars smell like feet and cut grass after their sports activities.

We laughed and compared notes and then we realized that our conversation had quite possibly intimidated my precious sister in law. She is a young mom with a 1 year old at home and a baby on the way. All the other parents in the room had made it through the toddler years and were now figuring our way through grandparenting, adolescent and teenage parenting. As we painted her a picture of our crazy lives, we made sure to add comments about how much we love parenting.

Adolescent shoe stink is beastly, but we adore those kids and their smelly feet. I can’t remember how to do Algebra, but I love that they ask. Repetitive and identical permission forms continue to need my signature and insurance numbers, but it is a great blessing to be responsible for them. Teens will initiate conversations about health, politics or religion just to be argumentative, but they are choosing to talk to us. The laundry machines are constantly in use because the kids live at home, and I love that they live here.

We have already launched our first-born. I don’t do her laundry, pick up her dirty peanut butter spoon off the coffee table or trip over her shoes anymore. Her stinky volleyball kneepads have left the building and I don’t have to wait up for her on Saturday nights. In 5 more years, we will have launched the other 3.

It is easy to get overwhelmed with the arguments, smells and laundry, but it is a season….and it is short. If you are a parent, please remember with me that this is a divine appointment. The God of the Universe has given you the gift and privilege of raising these kids. You will need His help to do it and many days, you will need His help to enjoy it.

As I have had the blessing of sharing my life and parenting experiences with you, many of you have kindly shared your life-lessons and encouragement. Thank you. Please keep doing so. I sincerely hope you know that I LOVE being a mom. Every parent understands the roller-coaster adventure of raising children. It goes up and down and makes you laugh, scream, gasp for air and even vomit, but it is a thrill. I know that in the years to come, my washing machine will get a lot more rest and menu planning will be much more eclectic than tacos, pizza and mac-n-cheese. I know I will miss this time that currently seems endless. As I make a conscious effort to celebrate this season,I hope  you too will find the joy of goldfish crumbs in your car, spoons on your coffee table and dozens of mismatched athletic socks.

“But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.” Psalm 5:11 (NIV)

Yesterday, we celebrated Catey’s 15^th birthday. We have a tradition in our family where we give daughters a beautiful heirloom ring on her 15^th birthday. Last night, Pat and I gave Catey a ring that I had worn for over 20 years. The ring celebrates our love for her and how we cherish being her parents. We hope that she will be reminded of what a treasure she is every time she looks at her ring. It carries with it the hope that she will wear it until her future husband replaces it with an even more special ring.

I was stunned at the emotional impact this “ring ceremony” had on me. As I looked at my beautiful daughter and my ring on her long and elegant fingers, I felt a squeeze of time with her running short, which matched the tight squeeze on my heart.

Catey is named after me. She is like me in so many ways. Each of my children exhibits some of me. Bess has inherited my relentless discipline. David has my love for writing. Catey talks with her hands, and bless that Mary Moore; she has embraced my love for story telling. They each have grafted part of who I am into who they are. In families, this seems unavoidable.

They are part of our family legacy. I have listened to my husband teach my children about the importance of legacy. He has instructed them to remember what their last name is every time they leave this house. He reminds them of the examples their grandparents have set, and he encourages them to hold those memories close to their hearts as they grow and learn and make decisions.

Legacies and memories are building blocks that help us and our children establish who we want to be. We learn from our past and take those lessons to heart, and sometimes, we just can’t help but become like the people we love the most and spend the most time with.

Last night with Catey, I was flooded with memories and hopes for her future. In my teary state, I thought of a random bible verse:

 “I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also”. 2 Timothy 1:5 (NIV)

 

Catey is part of a legacy of women who love Jesus. I got the awesome privilege of praying with her a few years ago when she knew she wanted to become a Christian. I can’t even express the joy I would receive if people looked at Catey like Paul looked at Timothy and expressed the feelings stated in 2 Timothy 1:5.

Catey had no intention of ever being one of those people who talks with her hands. She just has spent so much time with me that she can’t help but pick up some of my traits. Catey has also been constantly exposed to my love for Jesus and she was intentional in choosing Him as her Savior.

Like Catey, I have made choices that I hope will reflect the kind of woman I want to be. I am intentional in choosing my role models and I hope to emulate them. I really want to be more like Jesus and I often pray that I will act like a daughter of the King of Kings. My faith is sincere and I want my life to reflect that sincerity.

I also know that the more time I spend with Jesus, my life will include unintentional reflections. We (and our children) reflect characteristics and qualities of the people we spend the most time with. How beautiful and exciting this truth is when applied to our relationship with Christ. The more time we spend with Him, the more we will become like Him.

Thank you all for considering with me, the momentousness of  building legacies and creating memories in our journey of  raising children.

“But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[a] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 (NIV)

“What is down in the well comes up in the bucket.” A proverbial Carey Moore-ism.