“It is such a shame that Bess isn’t playing volleyball in college.” Well-meaning people have voiced these exact words to me at least a dozen times over the last few years. The fact that she had the opportunity to play college ball and chose not to is a mystery to them. My son is a junior in High school this year and is in the thick of college recruiting. I don’t think he should play college ball. The decision will be his as the volleyball decision was for our daughter, but as their mom, I have learned a lot and I have advice to give.

I have made some outrageous and harmful mistakes as the parent of athletes. I got so completely sucked into the “sports comes first” mentality. As a family, we put sports above family meals and vacations. Our kids didn’t get to seize many summer opportunities including jobs  and mission trips. I let their responsibilities at home slide. After a long day at school, my first question would be, “how was practice?’ If they weren’t feeling well, I was concerned about how it would affect the way they played and not what was ailing them. We missed countless Sundays in church. Instead of participating in worship, our heads were filled with the mind-numbing barrage of whistle blowing. Instead of a Sabbath day of rest, we drove ourselves mad racing from court to court while worshiping our children.

As Christians, we justified it. We believed that God had chosen to give our children very special talents which could only be showcased  on Sundays. We drank the Kool-Aid. We live in a culture that glorifies sports.We fantasized about their chance to contribute to the American story.We preached about how sports teaches team work, discipline and leadership while ignoring that sports also can breed vanity, lack of balance and idolatry. Our children found their identity in sports. We were vigilant about checking the tiny box scores in the very back part of the sports section in our local paper. When they lost, we grieved. When they won, we had celebratory meals. We lost lots of sleep over winning and losing.

We were sports zombies. We stumbled around without conviction and lost sight of life and real joy. We set the standard for our children. They followed our example and wanted to please us. Because I was so sure that their athletic abilities were gifts, I also believed they had a responsibility to nurture those gifts, but worst of all, I didn’t listen to my kids. I told people without hesitation that they loved their sport, but I never asked the kids if that was the truth. My children saw how much their dad and I loved celebrating their talents and successes. My children loved the celebration and they loved pleasing us, but because we started this all-consuming journey at such a young age, I don’t think they ever had a chance to discover what else they might love. We picked their sports when they were so young.We adore our kids and we believed that we were helping them be their best. We got high over their young success and recognition and we fostered it without pause.

I am so thankful that there is still time to heal the wounds I have caused and to guide my younger daughters in a more balanced way. I know this for sure:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 (NIV)

It is certainly true that their athletic skills could be considered good and perfect gifts from above, but the book of Proverbs warns us about too much of even good gifts:

 “It’s not good to eat too much honey, and it’s not good to seek honors for yourself.” Proverbs 25:27 (NIV)

Kids, sports, and their love of sports change like shifting shadows. God does not.The older I get, the more I realize how fleeting life is. Our time here is a blip. God is eternal and He has called us to invest in eternal things. It is our choice whether or not we invest in fleeting earthly efforts or eternal kingdom efforts. One of the most beautiful and generous gifts He has given us is a day of rest. He created us for worship. We are going to be creatures that worship; it is in our DNA. I have been guilty of worshiping my kids instead of the one who created them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving sports or music or technology or any of the other recreational pastimes we have at our disposal. I am suggesting that for many of us, that enjoyment has lots its balance and as a consequence, our lack of balance has confused our calling and stolen our joy. It is futile to live in regret about how as parents we established a home that worshiped our kids and sports, but without regret, I wonder what our kids would value today if, when they were little, Pat and I were as enthusiastic about Sunday worship and Spiritual growth and perfect love, joy and peace as we were about volleyball. I am so prayerful that God will reclaim those hollow, hungry years in the desert for future blessings and glory.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV)

I don’t know if our son will choose to play college ball. He knows that I don’t want him to. I know that God knows the answer. God has known it all along. My job is not to manipulate my son with my perspective or passions. My job…my calling is to teach Him the truth about who he is and why he is valuable. He is precious because God says so. He has been given the gift of eternal life and forgiveness for his sins. His calling is to worship the Lord and enjoy Him forever. His greatest shout out will never be from Jarvis Greer at 10:25 on a Friday night; it will be when Jesus stands before the throne and proclaims to God and the angels and all the witnesses that this kid belongs to HIM.

If I am being totally honest, this article was written from a place of defensiveness. To hear multiple people say that something your child chose to do or not do was “such a shame” leaves a sting. I felt judged as her parent. When I smile and say that not playing volleyball in college was the best decision for Bess, I am not being brave and plastering on a fake smile. She is doing great. She has applied her competitive spirit to her academics. She spent the entire summer at camp… touching 100’s of lives with her love for Jesus. She has new time and opportunities and freedom to find out what else she loves. I sincerely hope that reading this and witnessing my heart change leaves you encouraged. The last thing I want any of you feel is shame. You and I are part of the body of Christ. We are family. We have eternity together where we will celebrate forever the one who is so deserving of all our cheers and worship.

We are all going to make mistakes as parents. God is the only one who has ever been a perfect parent and His mercies are new every morning. I am so thankful that He keeps teaching me and that He calls me precious. He delights in taking care of all of our precious children and us, and  He alone is worthy of our worship.

The first time the “I hate Mom Monster” arrived in our home, our oldest child was about 3. This monster is not very clever or scary, and he is so easy to bait. All I have to do in order to get a glimpse of him is to tell my children “No”. He used to be much more obvious. 17 years ago, all I had to do to find him was to force naptime or not allow the consumption of excessive amounts of candy. When I enforced these rules, He would body snatch my adorable 3’ tall blonde and shrilling scream “I hate you!”. Today, he is no more clever or scary, but he is definitely sneakier. When I have the audacity to tell one of my teenagers, “No”, he has been known to carve his mantra into our craft table, Pen his favorite words into the hem of school uniforms, shout his tear-infused motto into pillows and use his agile angry fingers to text his creed to eager to listen teenage friends. He has also picked up some pretty colorful adverbs along the way that make his war cry much more sensational.

He likes to visit my girls more than my son, and 90% of the time, his attacks are aimed at me. Whether it is my proximity, femaleness, or lack of flexibility, Dad remains mostly unscathed. His darts don’t penetrate very deeply, and although they sting a little, they heal very quickly. He never stays very long in our house, and when he leaves, he is so quickly forgotten. There is always a time of tenderness and love-infused mending when he sulks out of the building.

Yesterday, his visit lasted less than an hour and although he came to hurt and disparage, he left our family with a beautiful gift. In the Nelson house, we tend to learn a lot more from our mistakes than we do from the easy-breezy times. When I confiscated her cell phone and sent the anger-laden princess to her isolation tower yesterday to hang out with the ridiculous monster, I received an e-mail from her 10 minutes into her banishment (Yes…. I forgot to also confiscate her computer). Here are some excerpts from her letter:

Mommy,

I want you to know that I didn’t mean what I said. And I was stupid…..I am so sorry for embarrassing you in front of my friends and making you seem like the bad guy. I should have listened to what you said before….. A few weeks ago at 3 degrees, (3 degrees is her youth group) Mallory talked about how much God did for us, and how He took the blame for us….. You give me so much grace that I don’t deserve, just like Jesus did. You are such a special person in my life, and I want you to know that I love you. I might not seem like it, but I really do love you. I am so blessed at the amazing works that God as done in my life. He has given me amazing parents, friends, a school, and I am so thankful. Please forgive me for being stupid and disrespectful. You don’t have to, but if you want to, I would really appreciate it if you could come upstairs and talk to me. I am so terribly upset and I feel awful. You are so precious to me….. I am sorry for always hurting your feeling just because I want to do something that I want to do…… This is not a letter from me asking to get my phone back or un-ground me. I could care less about my punishment. All I care about is making you feel special. I love you so much, and if you want to hear it from my mouth instead of on paper to see if I really mean it, then please come upstairs and talk to me because I would really appreciate it. I love you with all of my heart.

 

So, can you guess what I did? Of course, you can! I went upstairs and hugged her, wiped her tears and prayed with her. I assured her that she could never lose my love and no matter what she did, does, or will do, I will always have her back. She is mine. I don’t love her because of what she does right, and I don’t withhold my love when she screws up. I delight in her.

You and I are no different from entitled and surly teenagers. When things don’t go our way, we doubt God’s love for us. We focus on what He has restricted us from and we avoid His truth. We tune out His warnings and stubbornly choose our own way. When He lovingly corrects us, we shout our frustrations and tell our friends about it. While we rant, He patiently waits. When we come out of our cloud of confusion and anger, He embraces us. He meets us when we are still a long way off. When we rebel, He doesn’t quit loving us and He is no more incapacitated by our pity parties than moms are when daughters shout, “I hate you.” He is faithful when we are faithless. He is God and He loves us because we belong to Him. The things we do right or wrong do not affect his love.

Oh dear friends, please be encouraged and watch out for the dippy, silly, hair brained monsters that try to sneak in when you receive the answer “no.” Adopt this letter from my daughter as a beautiful prayer for our own conversations with Jesus. “He has blessed us so much”. “He has given us so much.” Apologize for hurting His feelings because of our own selfish pursuits. Embrace the passion of “making Him feel special.”

“See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1a (NLT)

 

“This is real love–not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.”

1 John 4:10 (NLT)

 

During a recent family get-together, my sister in law was asking for advice about appliances we have bought and decisions we have made in building our homes. Every adult in the room had advice to give. We told her to get 2 dishwashers, child-locks on those dishwashers and very efficient washing machines. We alerted her to the need for everything to be easy to clean. We talked about how much laundry we do and how almost every surface gets sticky. The conversation evolved into how kids leave shoes everywhere, have mental blocks on getting dishes in the dishwasher and how our cars smell like feet and cut grass after their sports activities.

We laughed and compared notes and then we realized that our conversation had quite possibly intimidated my precious sister in law. She is a young mom with a 1 year old at home and a baby on the way. All the other parents in the room had made it through the toddler years and were now figuring our way through grandparenting, adolescent and teenage parenting. As we painted her a picture of our crazy lives, we made sure to add comments about how much we love parenting.

Adolescent shoe stink is beastly, but we adore those kids and their smelly feet. I can’t remember how to do Algebra, but I love that they ask. Repetitive and identical permission forms continue to need my signature and insurance numbers, but it is a great blessing to be responsible for them. Teens will initiate conversations about health, politics or religion just to be argumentative, but they are choosing to talk to us. The laundry machines are constantly in use because the kids live at home, and I love that they live here.

We have already launched our first-born. I don’t do her laundry, pick up her dirty peanut butter spoon off the coffee table or trip over her shoes anymore. Her stinky volleyball kneepads have left the building and I don’t have to wait up for her on Saturday nights. In 5 more years, we will have launched the other 3.

It is easy to get overwhelmed with the arguments, smells and laundry, but it is a season….and it is short. If you are a parent, please remember with me that this is a divine appointment. The God of the Universe has given you the gift and privilege of raising these kids. You will need His help to do it and many days, you will need His help to enjoy it.

As I have had the blessing of sharing my life and parenting experiences with you, many of you have kindly shared your life-lessons and encouragement. Thank you. Please keep doing so. I sincerely hope you know that I LOVE being a mom. Every parent understands the roller-coaster adventure of raising children. It goes up and down and makes you laugh, scream, gasp for air and even vomit, but it is a thrill. I know that in the years to come, my washing machine will get a lot more rest and menu planning will be much more eclectic than tacos, pizza and mac-n-cheese. I know I will miss this time that currently seems endless. As I make a conscious effort to celebrate this season,I hope  you too will find the joy of goldfish crumbs in your car, spoons on your coffee table and dozens of mismatched athletic socks.

“But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.” Psalm 5:11 (NIV)

Yesterday, we celebrated Catey’s 15^th birthday. We have a tradition in our family where we give daughters a beautiful heirloom ring on her 15^th birthday. Last night, Pat and I gave Catey a ring that I had worn for over 20 years. The ring celebrates our love for her and how we cherish being her parents. We hope that she will be reminded of what a treasure she is every time she looks at her ring. It carries with it the hope that she will wear it until her future husband replaces it with an even more special ring.

I was stunned at the emotional impact this “ring ceremony” had on me. As I looked at my beautiful daughter and my ring on her long and elegant fingers, I felt a squeeze of time with her running short, which matched the tight squeeze on my heart.

Catey is named after me. She is like me in so many ways. Each of my children exhibits some of me. Bess has inherited my relentless discipline. David has my love for writing. Catey talks with her hands, and bless that Mary Moore; she has embraced my love for story telling. They each have grafted part of who I am into who they are. In families, this seems unavoidable.

They are part of our family legacy. I have listened to my husband teach my children about the importance of legacy. He has instructed them to remember what their last name is every time they leave this house. He reminds them of the examples their grandparents have set, and he encourages them to hold those memories close to their hearts as they grow and learn and make decisions.

Legacies and memories are building blocks that help us and our children establish who we want to be. We learn from our past and take those lessons to heart, and sometimes, we just can’t help but become like the people we love the most and spend the most time with.

Last night with Catey, I was flooded with memories and hopes for her future. In my teary state, I thought of a random bible verse:

 “I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also”. 2 Timothy 1:5 (NIV)

 

Catey is part of a legacy of women who love Jesus. I got the awesome privilege of praying with her a few years ago when she knew she wanted to become a Christian. I can’t even express the joy I would receive if people looked at Catey like Paul looked at Timothy and expressed the feelings stated in 2 Timothy 1:5.

Catey had no intention of ever being one of those people who talks with her hands. She just has spent so much time with me that she can’t help but pick up some of my traits. Catey has also been constantly exposed to my love for Jesus and she was intentional in choosing Him as her Savior.

Like Catey, I have made choices that I hope will reflect the kind of woman I want to be. I am intentional in choosing my role models and I hope to emulate them. I really want to be more like Jesus and I often pray that I will act like a daughter of the King of Kings. My faith is sincere and I want my life to reflect that sincerity.

I also know that the more time I spend with Jesus, my life will include unintentional reflections. We (and our children) reflect characteristics and qualities of the people we spend the most time with. How beautiful and exciting this truth is when applied to our relationship with Christ. The more time we spend with Him, the more we will become like Him.

Thank you all for considering with me, the momentousness of  building legacies and creating memories in our journey of  raising children.

“But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate[a] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 (NIV)

“What is down in the well comes up in the bucket.” A proverbial Carey Moore-ism.

 

I pray for my children all the time. I know that you do the same for yours. I pray for their safety, their health and their friendships. I pray that they will find success on the tests that they take and for their success in the gym and on the court. I pray about their college choices and their future spouses and children. I have been able to witness God answering those petitions with “yes’s” and “no’s”.

Our family has been able to rejoice in the blessings of having relatively healthy kids. They are doing fine in school and have great friends, but they have bombed exams, wrecked their cars, lost their games and their tempers. They have had broken bones and broken hearts. My prayers for them change as much as the seasons do, but the one prayer that I pray daily is that each of them would come to know and love Jesus Christ.

All four of our teens are in different places in their spiritual lives, but just like me… and just like you… they all need more Jesus. As their mom, there is nothing I desire more or pray more about than my hope of spending eternity with them as my very own brothers and sisters. I long for an eternity where our greatest desire and privilege is to spend all our time in a Jesus praising relationship. This promised and beautiful joy-filled heavenly adventure is what we were all made for. Our chief end is to glorify the Lord and enjoy Him forever. I will relentlessly pray for their spiritual lives until the day I die. I am certain I will also continue to pray for their relationships, health, safety, tests and all the other circumstances that fill their daily lives.

I am obviously looking forward to heaven, but while I am still here, I haven’t always been great about in rejoicing when God says “No”. I can paste a smile on my face and quote Romans 8:28 just as quickly as anyone else who’s circumstances are laterally discouraging, but I sound like Eeyore:

“Well… God said “No” about something I have been praying really hard about  (sigh) and of course, He is good and something better will come out of this because God knows better. Even if I NEVER know what the good thing is… I trust God. (sigh)I love Him and He knows it. He knows what is best for me… lalalalala (sigh)” Romans 8:28 is a comforting verse and there is powerful truth preached in it, but I think that it is often applied like a Band-Aid when well-meaning Christians cannot make sense of a painful situation.

Romans 8:28 offers so much more than the glossy fix of a Band-Aid. When you break it down, it is the most encouraging answer to my greatest prayer of “Just Give Me Jesus.” This petition that I pray daily for my kids is answered so beautifully in this well-known verse:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)

I love God and the “good for me who loves Him” is to become more like Him. God is good. I know it. If I love God, I want to know Him and I want to become conformed to his image. There is nothing I should want more, and there is nothing I should want more for my children. His purpose in creating me (and you) is that we would glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. God gets the glory when we become like his son. He uses everything in our lives for our good with that purpose.

When we petition God for anything, He hears us. He hears and cares about every single one of the prayers we offer up to Him. Every answer He gives is His perfect way of conforming us to Christ. God uses ALL things for the GOOD of those who love Him and are called according to His Purpose. So….. your kid bombs the ACT: Good! God is using it to conform her to Christ. Your child arrived safely home when you prayed for travel mercies: Good! God is using this to conform him to Christ. When we grasp how big God is and how He hears all our prayers and uses ALL THINGS for good, it becomes much easier to rejoice. We can replace our Eeyore voice with a song of jubilation, because there is nothing we should desire more than to become more like Jesus. There is nothing we should want more for our children than for them to know and love Jesus more everyday. All of this is truly good stuff.

 “What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who buy something, should live as if it were not theirs to keep;  those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.” 1 Cor 7:29-31 <abbr> (NIV)

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment.” Matthew 22:36-38 (NIV)